posted 27th January 2026
Evenings are often the hardest part of the day for families supporting an older loved one. By the time tea is finished, medication has been taken and personal care is still to be done, everyone is tired. Patience is thin. And the routine that's supposed to bring comfort often just brings exhaustion instead.
We see this time and time again. Two couples, two different situations, but the same underlying struggle.
Margaret and David's story
David is in his 90s and living with dementia. Margaret has been his main carer for years. Their routine has always been the same: watch the 10 o'clock news together, then go to bed.
But by the time she's helped him change his pad, persuaded him into his pyjamas and finally got him into bed, it's late. Really late. And she's exhausted. So she goes back downstairs for an hour of peace and quiet - just to have some time to herself before bed. Which means she's not getting to sleep until nearly midnight. Then she's up again the next morning doing it all over again.
We suggested David go to bed earlier. Margaret said no, he won't leave the news, it's his routine. Even though he can't remember it five minutes later, it matters to him.
We suggested putting a television in the bedroom so he could still watch it, still have his routine, but earlier. We talked about how much more comfortable he'd be, stretching out, legs up, properly relaxed. And how Margaret could finally have her evening back. She could sit down earlier or go to bed earlier if she wanted to.
She said: "We're not the watch TV in bed kind of people."
Bill and Mary's story
Mary is in her 90s and living with dementia. Bill has his own health issues. Their routine has always been going to bed together - it's what they've done for decades.
But Bill likes to watch television quite late and Mary won't go upstairs without him. She falls asleep on the sofa instead, then won't get up, won't move. And Bill sits there, unable to relax, waiting for her to be ready.
One evening we tried something different.
We came in earlier. We bathed Mary, got her changed into nightwear and settled her into bed while she was already nodding off. We reassured her: "Bill's just locking up. He'll be up with you in a minute."
Within minutes she was asleep. No arguments. No distress. No struggle.
The next morning, Bill told us he couldn't believe the difference. For the first time in a long while, he'd had a peaceful evening. He could relax. Mary had slept better. She woke up in a better mood. Life felt easier.
Why waking someone late often makes things worse
When someone falls asleep in a chair and is then woken to wash, change and move, it's rarely a calm experience. They can feel disorientated and upset without really understanding why. What should be a gentle end to the day turns into tension and distress for everyone involved.
And yet families often feel stuck, believing they have to keep things exactly the same because it's "their routine."
It's not about bedtime. It's about comfort earlier.
One of the most helpful changes families can make is separating getting ready for bed from going to sleep.
Comfort matters more than habit. When personal care is done earlier, calmly, without rushing, and someone is clean, warm and comfortable, they can relax properly. If they drift off, it doesn't matter. Everything important has already been done.
And here's what often surprises families: people adapt far more easily than we expect. The routine they think is set in stone often isn't. What matters is feeling safe, comfortable and cared for.
Evening support doesn't always mean late-night care
Needing help in the evening does not automatically mean needing help at bedtime.
Many people simply need support earlier with meals, medication, washing and getting changed. Once that's done, they're perfectly happy to relax and go to bed in their own time. Or drift off whenever their body needs to.
Later evening visits are important for those who truly need help getting into bed safely. But not everyone does. Understanding the difference can make evenings kinder and more manageable for everyone.
If your evenings feel like a battle right now
Sometimes it's not about doing more, it's about doing things in a different order. Small, thoughtful changes can prevent exhaustion, reduce distress and give carers back some much-needed rest.
If you're stuck in the same evening routine that's no longer working, or if you're exhausted by the time bedtime comes around, it might be worth asking whether help earlier in the evening could make all the difference.
We've seen it transform families' lives. It could transform yours too.
To help families just like yours, we've created a simple worksheet to help you find the right evening visit time for your family. You can download it here.
If you live in the Bristol area and you'd like to talk things through, we're always happy to have a conversation and help you explore what might work best. Give us a call on 0117 9477422 or complete our online form here and one of the team will call you back.
